What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 10:11
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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Im still living with it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
What product failed in the market but was successful when used for something else?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I said to her
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Do crossdressers like wearing pantyliners and tampons in their butts?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She found it foreign!.
I have no regrets .
But, we were locked up after school.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
What is the most offensive thing someone has ever asked you?
She was in good health!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Is it ok to be spanked by your parents if you are not in bed in your set bedtime?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So, i spoilt her more .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I waited trembling.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
It was going to be , some day.
He knew the spot.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I write beautiful poetry .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She loved him until the end.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My life is so biszare .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
So whats the point in blame.
I was 9 years of age.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was scared of men, in general
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was very sick at this time too.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Who then, do I blame.?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
This is soul school!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Comes on , in middle age.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She married twice! .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Was to survive, this bastard.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And i lived it daily.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Why did i forgive my father ?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One cannot live in the past .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was seconnd youngest,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
When she asked me how she looked .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Ive learnt so much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Put me off passion for life!!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My family never makes their pension either.
All the time i was locked up.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We all went to grammer schools
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I don,t even have a pension.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We were not on the streets..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She wouldn,t have been !
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I will be 64.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But it wasn’t much.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
What did i know ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I think the readers, may guess!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Would this be the day?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!